Don't live inside your head too much

I know something about you without knowing you. I bet you spend A LOT of time in your head.

You know, thinking, worrying, stressing, freaking out — call it whatever you want. I call it a preoccupied mind. And with what?

99% of your thoughts are useless. William James put it best:

“A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.”

All my life I’ve been obsessed with practical things. Practical philosophy, practical knowledge, practical books, practical work, and practical advice.

That idea comes from Pragmatism, a philosophical tradition that started in the 19th century in America. Charles Sanders Peirce, who was a Harvard professor, is considered as the “father of Pragmatism.”

But it was William James, a trained physician turned philosopher, who really defined the philosophy.

About thoughts, worry, and stress, William James says:

“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

Pragmatism believes that the mind is a tool. Your mind should work for you, not against you. People who don’t master their mind, don’t believe it’s possible.

They say: “I can’t help but thinking these things.”

Well, you can with enough practice. It’s a skill.

In other words: You have the ability to decide what you think. Or, you can choose NOT to think.

And that is one of the most important and most practical things you can learn in life. I also sometimes spend hours and hours inside my head.

Just think about how much you think.

• “I wonder what my boss thinks?”
• “What happens if I screw up and lose my job?”
• “Does she love me?”
• “I think he doesn’t care about me.”
• “I just keep failing.”
• “Why does my life suck?”
• “Why is my life awesome, and other people’s lives are not?”
• “What if I get cancer?”
• “I don’t care about my job. Is there something wrong with me?”
• “I can’t finish anything. What’s wrong with me?”

And the list goes on. That is all REAL shit. That’s stuff people tell me when I ask them what they worry about.

You know what those thoughts do to you? Guilt, anger, suffering.

I just have one question for you: What’s the practical use of your thoughts?

Yes? I’m waiting. Still no answer? Exactly.

Thoughts have no use. 99% of them that is.

Which thoughts are useful?

1. Thinking about how you can solve problems. A problem is just an unanswered question. Put your brain to use and think about how you can solve problems. There are a lot of those on this earth.
2. Understanding knowledge. That mean this: Try to internalize knowledge and think about how you can use that knowledge to improve your life, career, work, relationships, etc.

That’s it. You can ignore every other thought.

If you’re constantly thinking, it’s because you haven’t’ trained your mind yet. You HAVE to get out of your head.

If not, you go mental. Everyone will. No exception.

Also, you’re probably thinking so much that you’re missing out of life. Did you notice the sunshine this morning when you woke up? Or the raindrops? Did you notice the smell of your coffee? Did you feel the texture of your cereals?

If your answer is no, you definitely need to get out of your head. Stop thinking and start feeling.

Now, you might think: “How do I train myself to stop thinking useless thoughts?”

Awareness.

That’s where it starts. Every time you start drifting off, become aware of it. Just observe your brain. Step outside yourself and just observe the crazy shit you’re thinking about.

Don’t judge. Don’t think you’re stupid. If you do that, you’re thinking again.

No, what you want to do is say this to yourself: “Ah that’s a cute thought. Now, let’s get back to reality.”

“If you can change your mind, you can change your life.”
― William James

Are you back to reality? Do you feel your eyes reading the letters on your screen? Do you feel your phone in your hand? Are you thinking about how you’re going to apply this information to your life?

Great. You’re USING your mind, and it’s not the other way around. Now, keep using that brain of yours.

Because I’ll tell you this: It’s the most powerful tool on earth.

The Reality :-PERCEPTION

Do you ever feel misunderstood by others? Maybe you feel that people at work don’t get you. Or that your friends are not on the same page.

Maybe others truly don’t get you. But that’s not because of them, it’s most likely because of your own behavior. I’ll tell you why.

When I started working for a major IT  firm in Delhi several years ago, it was the first time I worked in an organisation with thousands of people.

On my floor alone, there were probably two hundred people at work. For me, it was the first time that I was a part of such a big team.

One of the most important lessons I have learned from my mentor about working in large teams is this: People can only judge their perception of you. And often, there’s a difference between perception and reality, right?

I’ll give you an example. One of my friends recently went through an intensive job interview process, with multiple interviews and committees.

It was for an important job. And he really wanted that job. At the second to last stage of the interview, the committee gave him feedback:

“You seem a little defensive when it comes to receiving feedback.”

In other words: You’re not listening to what we’re telling you.

I know my friend. He’s not defensive. He’s a moral person with strong values. But he often does feel the need to explain himself to everybody. And this might come across as defensive.

He asked me what I thought about his story. Based on my own mistakes, I told him what one of my mentors told me: Perception is reality, keep that in mind.

We Make Shortcuts

Look, no one cares about your real intentions. Not because they are heartless or selfish. It’s because people simply don’t have the time to conduct a psycho-analysis on every single new person they meet.

That’s why we have heuristics. We make decision short-cuts all the time. And one of the shortcuts we make is to judge what we see.

Now, that might not be the best thing. It’s always better to collect more information before you judge someone.

But the truth is that heuristics work. They make our lives easier.

There’s nothing you and I can change about that.

Change What People Perceive

By now, you might wonder “How do I change other people’s perceptions?” The answer lies in the science of influence.

When I mention influence to people, they often think it’s something “fake.” They often say things like, “I don’t want to fake it till I make it.”

But the science of influence has nothing to do with that or snake-oil salesmen tactics.

Persuasion and influence revolve around two related questions: 

1. How does our behavior influence the behavior of others?
2. How does other people’s behavior influence our behavior?

I’ll give you an example. My perception of one of our team members was that she lacked interest in our business.

So we talked about it. From that conversation, I got the feeling this was another case of “perception is reality.” In fact, my perception was wrong.

I told her about why perceptions matter and gave her one influence tip: Mirroring. Most of us know about it, but very few apply it consistently.

When you mirror someone’s body language and words, the other person gets the feeling you like them. And that automatically makes us like the other person. That’s how we’re wired.

So instead of just sitting still and looking at someone during a conversation (which makes people think you’re indifferent), use your body language and words to influence others. MAKE others believe you’re engaged.

There’s nothing fake about that. You know why? No one can smell what you think inside that brain of yours. Somehow, we must let others know.

The Principles Of Influence Work Even When Others Know About It

When people try to influence me. And most of the time, I love it.

To me, it’s a sign that others are making a conscious effort to work with me.

You just have to guard yourself against ill-willed persuaders; people who try to make you do things you don’t want. Fortunately, to be honest, that doesn’t happen very often.

What happens more in our connected world is that malevolent persuaders try to make us believe in things that are false or useless. We’ve all seen the reports about fake news. This phenomenon is really present in society, and it influences other people’s behavior.

You can only protect yourself from these ill-willed persuaders by studying influence.

No matter what you do, start applying the perception is reality mindset to your life, right now.

The next time your spouse thinks you’re lazy, maybe that’s you made her believe you are. And if people at work think you’re bad at receiving feedback, maybe that’s because you made them think you’re not coachable.

Look inwardly. Change your behavior for the better. And always be mindful of how others perceive you. Especially, if you want something from them.

Crowdsourcing :-Bad For Your Confidence

Let’s be real for a second. How often does your mood and confidence depend on the number of likes you get on Facebook, Twitter, or any other place that has social currency?

Sadly, many of us trade social currency for confidence. Sounds like a pretty good deal, right? I’ll like your dog pictures on Facebook. And you like my cool new profile picture with sunglasses while I’m looking away from the camera.

There’s one downside this exchange. It’s FAKE. And you know it!

People on Facebook don’t care about your diploma, promotion, dog, or even kids. They just press like so you like their stuff back. That’s what I call crowdsourcing confidence. And social media a self-sufficient business of trading likes.

But there’s another aspect of crowdsourcing confidence. What happens when no one likes the stuff we share? Yes, we feel like shit.

Why is that? Are we that shallow? 

And it’s not only on social media. A lot of people don’t have social media profiles at all. Instead, they trade compliments from their spouse, boss, friends, colleagues, for confidence.

You see, everybody does it. That’s why we feel better when someone tells us, “good job.”

It’s validation. We depend on it. For years, I’ve chased validation without even knowing it. It just creeps in your system.

As an employee , I worked hard to get validation from clients or prospects. If people didn’t like our projects, I doubted myself. But when a client gave me a compliment the next day, I thought I was doing well.

And when I worked for a major corporation, it was the same. When my colleagues or boss acknowledged my work, I was happy with my job. And when people didn’t acknowledge my effort, it was the worst job in the world.

Sounds familiar?

It’s also true for relationships.

• “He didn’t even notice my new haircut.”
• “She never mentions anything about my progress in the gym.”
• “I was always there to support him. Now he doesn’t call me anymore.”

This might be difficult to hear: No one cares.

Well, they do, but they also don’t. Do you get it? What I’m trying to say is that it’s not people’s job to make YOU feel good. And yet, we expect others to like our posts, tell us we’re amazing, pretty, or whatever we want to hear.

That type of behavior fucks up relationships, and more importantly: Yourself.

“But why should I do anything? I mean, why do people work? Or why would you even be nice?”

C’mon, really? Are you only chasing compliments or likes? That’s not good motivation because it depends on external things.

Do things for yourself. Not in a selfish way. You’re here for a limited time so you might as well enjoy it. And stop worrying about what other people think about you.

Also, respect that people have lives of their own. Not everyone is sitting and waiting for you to do something so they can say: “You’re awesome!”

Once you stop trying so hard, you will get the acknowledgment you want. Be confident. Always. Don’t rely on outside sources like compliments or attention.

People don’t like to be around attention-seekers. Instead, people like to be around confident people because it’s a trait that inspires others.

“Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy.” — Norman Vincent Peale

“How do I become confident if I can’t crowdsource it?”

Hang out with enough confident people and you will become confident yourself.

Have you heard of Mirror Neurons? In the 80s, neuroscientists in Italy found that primates have neurons in their brain that are responsible for imitative behavior.

In simple words: We copy each other’s behavior. That’s how I also learned to stop searching for validation. From my mentors.

Confidence starts with a belief. It’s something you can create instantly withing yourself. Instead of believing that you can’t you start believing that you can. It’s not complicated stuff.

Next, your body follows. Instead of sitting hunched, with your shoulders pointing towards the ground, you straighten up, open up your chest, and breathe through your nose.

Think it. Feel it. Do it. Believe it. 

I have several mentors, and they all work hard for themselves. But at the same time, they also provide value for other people.

Because they don’t worry about what other people think of them, they can spend their time on their own business.

“I work hard for the audience. It’s entertainment. I don’t need validation.” — Denzel Washington

And the best thing about stopping to crowdsource your confidence is that you can focus on what matters. At the end of the day, you’re not defined by how many likes, compliments, or pats on the back you receive.

You are your actions. As Aristotle put it:

“We are what we repeatedly do.”

Actions are the only tangible thing we have in this world. It’s not our word that counts. And if you act right, you will ultimately become more confident.

You have more capabilities than you think. You just have to look inside yourself, not outside.

Being Different Beats Being Better

I always thought that the best wins at anything. That might be true for sports. But not for life and business.

If you’re trying to build a profitable business or stable career, you might be approaching it all wrong. At least, I was. And I think that the common belief about success is also totally wrong.

I get it when it comes to sports. There’s only one place at the top. And to get to the top, you have to be the best. I only applaud that. In fact, I’m inspired by athletes like LeBron James, Christiano Ronaldo, Serena Williams, and others.

But business is different. Instead of being the best, you must strive for becoming the first. 

“Everyone is interested in what’s new. Few people are interested in what’s better.”

Who cares about a marginally better product or service? That’s the problem with most businesses and even people. We compete with each other for the same market. That’s the basic idea behind Blue Ocean Strategy by W. Chan Kim and Renée Mauborgne.

The authors argue that most companies find themselves in markets with too much competition, called red oceans. They write:

“Blue ocean strategy challenges companies to break out of the red ocean of bloody competition by creating uncontested market space that makes the competition irrelevant. Instead of dividing up existing—and often shrinking—demand and benchmarking competitors, blue ocean strategy is about growing demand and breaking away from the competition.”

“But how do you break away from the competition?”

Be different.

I look at entrepreneurship like the music industry. Every artist that is at the top of the charts is different from everyone else. There’s only one Drake, Rihanna, Lady Gaga. These artists didn’t try to become better versions of Jay-Z, Madonna, Beyonce, or whoever came before them. No, they created their own genre.

Drake is the first rapper that sings and who gets away with it. Rihanna broke out with a song called “Pon de Replay” which is a combination between pop and reggae, a new sound. Lady Gaga, well, she doesn’t need an introduction. She’s Lady Gaga and you can’t compare her with anything.

You see, it’s not about being better, it’s about being different. And when you’re different, you’re often the first in a new category.

Tim Ferriss was the first lifestyle entrepreneur. He popularized the idea in his book, The Four Hour Work Week. Did he invent the idea? Who cares? He’s known for it.

Al Ries and Jack Trout say:

“When you launch a new product, the first question to ask yourself is not “How is this new product better than the competition?” but “First what?” In other words, what category is this new product first in?”

You can apply this to your career as well. Scott Adams, creator of the comic strip Dilbert, is the first cartoonist that writes about life advice and business. He’s different. And he’s the first.

Don’t ask yourself, “What am I better at?”

Ask, “How am I different?”

The easiest way to be different is to combine skills that are new in a certain area. I also learned that idea from Scott Adams in his book How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big: Kind of the Story of My Life. (I love that title, btw.)

Adams says that every skill you acquire, doubles your odds of success. He writes:

“Notice I didn’t say anything about the level of proficiency you need to achieve for each skill. I didn’t mention anything about excellence or being world-class. The idea is that you can raise your market value by being merely good—not extraordinary—at more than one skill.”

Adam’s strategy is practical, and more importantly: Realistic.

Anyone can become different in their field become becoming better at one or more of the following skills .

• Writing – We’re all writers. And by writing well you can stand out from the crowd.
• Public Speaking – Getting comfortable with speaking in front of a group makes you a better leader.
• Selling – We all have something to sell: Our art, products, services, and even ourselves.

Can you think of a surgeon that can also write and speak well?

“Think Different.”

I know, it’s been used to death, but the old Apple commercial hits the nail on the head. Once you get the concept, you start noticing the patterns everywhere. Think different is not some marketing slogan.

It’s at the core of success. Every business or person that succeeds is because they did SOMETHING different.

The question now is: What are YOU going to do differently?

The three Important things :- Self-Efficacy, Self-Confidence, and Self-Esteem

While most people generally think of self-esteem and self-confidence as two names for the same thing, and probably rarely think about the term “self-efficacy,” these three terms hold slightly different meaning .

What is Self-Efficacy?

Self-efficacy as individual’s beliefs about their capacity to influence the events in their own lives .

This differs from self-esteem in an important way: the definition of self-esteem often rests on ideas about an individual’s worth or worthiness, while self-efficacy is rooted in beliefs about an individual’s capabilities to handle future situations. In this sense, self-esteem is more of a present-focused belief while self-efficacy is more of a forward-looking belief.

What is Self-Confidence?

This is likely the most used term for these related concepts outside of psychology research, but there is still some confusion about what exactly self-confidence is. Self-confidence as an individual’s trust in his or her own abilities, capacities, and judgments, or belief that he or she can successfully face day to day challenges and demands (Psychology Dictionary Online).

Self-confidence also brings about more happiness. Typically, when you are confident in your abilities you are happier due to your successes. Also, when you are feeling better about your capabilities, the more energised and motivated you are to take action and achieve your goals. 

Self-confidence, then, is similar to self-efficacy in that it tends to focus on the individual’s future performance; however, it seems to be based on prior performance, so in a sense, it also focuses on the past. 

Many psychologists tend to refer to self-efficacy when considering an individual’s beliefs about their abilities concerning a specific task or set of tasks, while self-confidence is more often referred to as a broader and more stable trait concerning an individual’s perceptions of overall capability.

What is Self-Esteem?

 Self-esteem rests on the assumption that it was a relatively stable belief about one’s overall self-worth. This is a broad definition of self-esteem, defining it as a trait that is influenced by many different factors and is relatively difficult to change.

In contrast, self-esteem is made up of two distinct components: self-efficacy, or the confidence we have in our ability to cope with life’s challenges, and self-respect, or the belief that we are deserving of happiness, love, and success . The definitions are similar, but it is worth noting that the definition relies on beliefs about self-worth, a belief which can have wildly different meanings to different people .

What about those who have too much self-esteem? Narcissism is the result of having too much self-esteem. A psychological definition would be an extreme amount of selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration. 

Self-esteem at high and low levels can be damaging so it is important to strike a balance in the middle. A realistic, but a positive view of the self is often ideal.

But where does self-esteem come from? What influence does it have on our lives? Self-esteem is often seen as a personality trait, which means it tends to be stable and enduring.

There are typically three components which make up self-esteem:

• Self-esteem is an essential human need that is vital for survival and normal, healthy development
• Self-esteem arises automatically from within based on a person’s beliefs and consciousness
• Self-esteem occurs in conjunction with a person’s thoughts, behaviors, feelings, and actions.

Self-esteem is one of the basic human motivations the suggestion would be that individuals need both esteem from other people as well as inner self-respect. These needs must be fulfilled in order for an individual to grow and thrive. 

These needs must be fulfilled in order for an individual to grow and achieve self-actualisation. Self-confidence and self-esteem are two closely related psychological phenomena, both based on past experiences and both looking forward at future performance.

Going forward, in an effort to keep confusion to a minimum, we will consider self-confidence and self-esteem to be essentially the same concept.

“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous                 delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.”

Slow Down: You’re NotFalling Behind

Nothing annoys me more than the loss of time.

When I feel like I’m wasting my time on useless activities, doing meaningless things, or when I’m spending time with negative people, I get frustrated.

When it comes to time, I agree with what Darwin once said:

“A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.”

But I’ve found that an obsession with time can put unnecessary pressure on yourself. I see it a lot with ambitious people—anyone who wants to get the most out of life.

They feel like they have to use every single minute of life. Things have to happen: Quick, quick, now, now. 

You have to keep pounding forward like a freight train that stops for nothing.

It’s great that you want to achieve a lot, and live a life of contribution, but does that mean it has to happen NOW?

But there’s a fine line between understanding the value of time, and being impatient.

I got a perfect line . When I recently asked my father sometimes I get impatient . He said:

“Impatience makes smart people do stupid things.”

We all try to get ahead. We work hard. Put all our energy and love in relationships. We work on ourselves — our character.

But sometimes, we feel like we’ve fallen behind.

• “I’m still sharing an apartment with 3 strangers.”
• “I’m not married yet.”
• “We still don’t have kids.”
• “My business still hasn’t taken off.”
• “I didn’t get my big break yet.”
• “I’m still waiting to become a manager.”
• “I’m stuck in the same job for years.”
• “I’m not losing weight.”

I don’t want to pretend I’m passed that. We all have those feelings. And the higher you move up the ladder, the higher your standards become.

I also face many difficulties in my life but that does not stop me doing things as I don't care what people has to say.

Take a step back. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Switching careers, education, cities, are all hard. In a way, you are taking a step back momentarily. But you’ll bounce back. That’s hard to remind yourself when you’re in the moment.

When I was in college, I had a friend who used to work in private company but every time I met he was not happy and looked like he is in his forties  but he was only 24 . After that I met him after many years when he was in his thirties  but this time he was more happy and looked more lively compared to the phase when he had his  older job but now he was pursuing his fav job thats music and this is  where he found happiness and didn't care about the whole world .

The road that you traveled turns you into the person you are today. 

I meet a lot of people in their twenties who are frustrated that life is not exactly the way they want. I even meet people in their thirties and forties like that.

It’s a universal thing. And that thing is called impatience.

Like my father  said, you do stupid things when you’re impatient.

• Do you really need to buy a house?
• Do you really want to get married?
• Do you really want to take that promotion?
• Do you really have to sell your business?
• Do you really love your job?
• Do you really have to take on that client?

Don’t do all these things because you always wanted to do those things. Don’t do things because you’re afraid of the alternative.

Because the alternative is ALWAYS harder.

• “Shit! Does that mean I have to work for free?”
• “Does that mean I have to start all over?”
• “What?! I can’t be single.”
• “Does that mean I have to study for years?”

YES. 

But hardship defines you and your character.

So suit yourself up, forget about the fast train, step in a car, and prepare yourself for one LONG ride that’s called life.

Are You Wasting Your Life?

“You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your  khakis.” That’s one of my favourite lines from one of my favourite books: Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk.

I’ve read Fight Club probably five or six times. But when I reread it again recently, that line really hit me. Are you wasting your life if you try to chase all those things?

In the midst of our pursuit of whatever we’re after, it’s easy to get so distracted that we lose sight of what matters—and before we know it, we waste our time chasing the wrong things.

It’s fine to set goals and pursue things in life. However, you don’t need whatever you’re pursuing to live a meaningful life. Here’s why.

You Are Not Your Bucket List

Don’t trick yourself into believing you have to do crazy shit just make it count. It’s all useless if you keep going from one thing to the other so that you can cross things off your list, and can talk about it at parties.

We buy things, we party, we jump off cliffs, we go on holidays, we move to different cities, we switch jobs — but nothing changes inwardly after we’ve done those things.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a bucket list. But we should realize that we can live a meaningful life without one. Don’t put pressure on yourself just to do things. Who cares? Your life is not a Nike slogan.

You can live with very little and be happy. With that realization, you can go and do the things that you truly want and not just because some article says: 10 Things You Should Do Before You Die.

“Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.”
– Marcus Aurelius

You Are Not Your Social Status

College degree, job title, number of friends and followers, are all means to measure ourselves. Somehow, we need to determine where we stand in society.

Are you a winner or are you a loser? That’s what we’re after. We do things just to fill our resumes and increase our network. We want to say, “I went to X university.” Or, “I work at X.”

No matter what your social status is, you’re not better than any other human being. We don’t live in the 18th century anymore. No one cares about your social status. People care about your character and skills.

“People who hold important positions in society are commonly labelled “somebodies,” and their inverse “nobodies”-both of which are, of course, nonsensical descriptors, for we are all, by necessity, individuals with distinct identities and comparable claims on existence.”
― Alain de Botton

You Are Not Your Bank Account

Money is awesome. Let’s be honest, without it, you can’t do much. If you want to get away and live in the woods and be self-sufficient like Thoreau, feel free to do so — no one is stopping you.

But if you want to be a part of society, you need money to survive. However, we give money more power than we should. We let money rule our life’s decisions, and that is too much.

The truth is that money comes and goes. I’ve lost a lot of money in my life, so what? Money is a commodity — don’t let it rule you.

“I have no money, no resources, no hopes. I am the happiest man alive.”
– Henry Miller

Stop Chasing With Your Eyes Closed

If you’re always chasing things that you believe will make you happy, your life will be over in a blink of eye.

Life is, in contrast to what many of us believe, long enough. As Seneca put it: “Life, if well lived, is long enough.”

But we need to learn how to slow down time, and be in the moment, if we want to live well.

Have you ever had a day that you felt like time didn’t exist? When you’re fully immersed in the moment, time moves slowly. It doesn’t matter what you do, if you do it with 100% of your attention, you are not wasting your life.

On the other hand, have you ever thought: “I can’t believe a year has passed.” We often think that around December 31st of each year, or when it’s our birthday.

Call it presence, focus, mindfulness, or whatever you wish. The point is this: You have the power to slow down time — so use it.

All you have to do is live in the moment — free of worry, pressure, and daydreams. When you do that, life is long and time will no longer pass in a blink of an eye.

You’re only wasting your life if you’re too distracted to experience it.

I believe that, deep down, we all know that we don’t have infinite time on our hands. We know that life is not just about earning money, posting your holidays pictures on social media, or the job you have.

It’s things like connection, experience, love, relationships, sharing, caring, what we value the most. We all know it, right? But it’s not about what you know, it’s about what you do.

“What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

Work on your character, realise that life is a gift, and enjoy every moment of it — good and bad.

Are You Challenging Yourself Enough?

There’s a very fine line between boredom and having a burnout.

Conventional wisdom says that you should jump outside your comfort zone to reach the ‘magic.’ I never understood that saying. What magic are we talking about? Unicorns? Men from Mars? What? I don’t know.

Here’s the thing: I’ve tried leaping out of my comfort zone, and it didn’t work out for me. However, I’ve also tried to take things very slowly. That also didn’t work out for me. I’ve found that you need a balance between challenge and comfort. And that’s a very, very, difficult thing to do.

The reason is that doing challenging things requires skill . The more challenging the task, the more skill you need. The problem with taking huge leaps is that you don’t have the skills to address the challenge.

It’s a concept actually . After studying the relationship between challenge and boredom in a book ,I Understood  that a combination of both factors leads to personal growth.

Csikszentmihalyi says:

“One cannot enjoy doing the same thing at the same level for long. We grow either bored or frustrated; and then the desire to enjoy ourselves again pushes us to stretch our skills, or discover new opportunities for using them.”

It sounds like common sense, right? Instead of taking big steps, take smaller, and more controlled steps. But never get too comfortable because that’s boring. And once you get bored, you stop growing. But life is about forward motion—that’s what ultimately helps us grow.

To illustrate this concept, let’s do a little exercise.

Which one of the following three statements describes your situation best?

• A) I’m bored.
• B) I’m stretched too thin.
• C) I feel like I’m challenging myself without going insane.

Do this if you answer A (I’m bored)

Get out your bubble and do something new. Discover new things in life. Pick up a new sport. Find a different job. Take on different projects. You need a challenge.

But also remember this: Don’t get addicted to novelty. Learn to love learning. When you hop from one thing to the next, you never get good at anything. Again, it’s about balance.

Do this if you answered B (I’m stretched too thin)

Take a step back. Give up. Quit. Say, “Screw you guys! I’m going home!” You need to accept that it’s okay if something is too much. Things are too much for a reason. Find out what that is. Then, address that problem so it doesn’t happen again in the future. Learn from your past experiences.

Do this if you answered C (I feel like I’m challenging myself without going insane)

Just keep it up.

Saying No Can Lead To a Happy Life ,

We believe that we always have to say yes to opportunities. We fear that saying no leads us to miss out on money, fun, and other experiences. But by always saying yes, we don’t value our time.

Blindly we say yes to everything that comes our way. We often don’t look at saying “no” as a skill. If we are at work and our manager asks you to hand in a report before the end of the day, we say, “sure thing.” It interrupts our work, and we often have to push other things aside.

There was never any fear for me, no fear of failure. If I miss a shot, so what?
– Michael Jordan

We say yes in our personal lives all the time. When friends ask us to go out while we have other things to do, we say yes. We friends or acquaintances a favour, without thinking about it. We even say yes to bigger things that we don’t want. We take jobs we don’t like. We start relationships with people who we are not in love with.

Why do we do this? We are afraid to say no, to let people down, to avoid confrontation. The stress of saying no often makes us say yes automatically. And then we complain or blame ourselves, “why couldn’t I just say no.” And with relationships, we are afraid that if we turn down an opportunity to settle down, another one maybe won’t show up.

I see this often with relationships at work. You spend time with a person at work so often and if you feel physically attractive to each other it easy to start a relationship. If you start a relationship, you cannot ‘kind of’ want it. No, you should be in love. Saying yes doesn’t always make you happy.

Other People’s Expectations

Learning to say no can save us a lot of time and stress. While we are afraid that we have to let people down, the opposite is true. People will start respecting you more when you start saying no. People perceive that as a strong character trait.

It’s time to stop doing things to live up to other people’s expectations. You don’t have to do things you don’t like. If you don’t start saying no, and keep doing things you don’t want to do, you begin to dislike the person you are trying to please. Saying no is not only for your benefit but actually by saying no, you are thinking about other people as well.

If you say yes to a night out with your spouse and you don’t feel like it, you probably won’t be in a great mood. It’s not fair for your spouse if you are not present mentally. If you rather go out the next day because you are tired tonight, say so. Your partner will respect you for that. If she doesn’t, we have to explain why we say no. And encourage them to say no when they don’t want to do something as well.

Conforming to other people expectations can impact your life’s outcome. Wen you say yes to one night out, when you don’t feel like it, doesn’t have huge life consequences. But sometimes it is about choices that will influence our life outcome. When parents expect their children to go to university, the children often give into that.

We are all unique and have things we want from live, asking people to do something they don’t like is not fair. If you don’t wish to go to university because of a good reason, then don’t. We have to follow our passion and make our own path.

Say No To Noise

We should say no to everything that is noise. Many successful people in history were ‘essentialist’, people who can separate the essential from the non-essential in life. Saying no is a way of showing what you consider ‘essential’ by saying no to everything that is noise.

About the importance of saying no,“ yet as hard as it can be to say no to someone, failing to do so can cause us to miss out on something far more important.” When we have a purpose in life, everything that doesn’t contribute to our purpose, becomes noise.

When we want to live a stress-free life, we have to choose “no”. Saying blindly yes to invitations from our colleagues, friends or family causes us stress. We often regret saying yes for days. We worry about damaging our relationships. We worry that we burn bridges. We worry what people would think if we say no. We live in an abundant world. By saying no you don’t miss anything. The world is filled with opportunity and beauty.

We think we are not good friends or colleagues when we say no. You’re not a bad person when you say no. Once we start saying no, we lose the fear of disappointing people and find out that it wasn’t that hard. We find that we replace the noise with silence and clarity. We enjoy the things we do say yes to more. We become more present and happy.

Stay Away From Toxic People

Do you ever get upset about the nasty behaviour of your co-workers, friends, or even family? Well, if you let others upset you, it’s not their fault.

“It’s not me, it’s him!” is what most of us say. We’re always quick to blame others for how we feel.

We say that others make us feel that way. But that’s false. You decide how you feel about the things that happen in your life.

Events can’t harm us. Our perception of an event harms us. That’s one of the most important ideas of Stoic philosophy.

In other words, you decide what meaning you give to the things that happen in your life. If your friend tells lies about you behind your back, and you get upset, that’s because you decided to get upset.

After all, you don’t control others. That’s why who you spend your time with is a matter of life and death.

The great Stoic philosopher, Epictetus, said this in his Manual For Living:

“Avoid fraternizing with people who don’t share your values. Prolonged association with those with false ideas can only tarnish your thinking.”

It’s something I truly live by. I’ve seen others destroy people’s lives too often to take this idea carelessly.

And I bet that you’ve had your share of, for lack of a better term, “toxic” people in your life.

There Are Two Kinds Of People

• People with values
• People without values

I think that less than 1% of the population has values. Values entail nothing more than answers to questions like:

• How do you treat people?
• How do you treat yourself?
• What’s right and what’s wrong?

Here’s an easy way to detect people without values: When you see that someone becomes an entirely different person in a heartbeat — that’s when you know someone has no values.

It’s not an unusual thing in our life . People often hide their true colours. I should say, they hide the fact that they don’t have colours.

When you lack values, you automatically gravitate towards natural human behavior. And that’s very dark. I recently read 12 Rules For Life by Dr. Jordan Peterson, a clinical psychologist, and a professor at the University of Toronto.

His fundamental proposition is that people are malevolent and that life is suffering. To prove that statement, Peterson shares compelling examples of human history with us.

He’s right. People have always lied, killed, and deceived their way through life.

But There’s An Alternative

Look, you can easily go down the rabbit hole of nasty behavior. Just spend enough time with bad people — eventually, you will become one of them.

You can also fill your days with gossiping, lying, and manipulating others. And you’ll probably also feel good when you do it. A sense of power, no matter how it’s achieved, gives people satisfaction. That’s how our minds work.

So when you recognize someone who doesn’t have principles, shows nasty behavior, and has multiple personalities — step away.

Instead, surround yourself with people who want the best for you.

Not with people who are jealous, can’t see your success, and thrive off negativity. I think this is important to realize for anyone who wants to live a good life.

A few years ago, when I started to live a conscious life, I had to say goodbye to people who only wanted to live a life of pleasure.

And I’ve also seen other friends that started to change their life for the better but were dragged back into the bottomless pit of darkness by others.

But as you and I both know, life is also full of warm and caring people. It’s not all bad.

Be Stingy With Your Time

“You’re the average of the five people you spend your time with.” It has become such a cliché. But I don’t think that we truly understand the impact that other people can have on us.

Like Epictetus said, others can tarnish your thinking. Is that worth it?

Look at it this way. Would you give $1000 to the people in your life if they asked for it? If the answer is no, stop giving the people who don’t share the same values as you, your time.

I’ve narrowed down the list of people I spend 90% of my time with to my direct family and my two best friends. Other than that, I spend my time working and exercising. That’s what I mostly do. And I’ve never enjoyed my life this much.

So if you have a job you love, and a few people in your life who you love, you don’t even have more time to spend.

Nothing else gives more satisfaction than having a meaningful career and a strong family.

“But what if my family is toxic?”

Inspire them to change for the better. I don’t give up on my family. Even if it takes 10 years, I will still try to help them.

Create Your Values, And Stick To Them

To live a virtuous life, you need principles. Without principles (or values), we have no character. And without character, we’re nothing.

“Who cares!”

Well, you should care. You’re the one who looks in the mirror every day. Are you happy with what you see?

That’s the only measure I have for my life. I must like the person I see in the mirror. If I don’t like that guy, I’ll change that’s what I do every day.

Improve Yourself

What’s the alternative? Like Peterson concludes in his 12 Rules For Life, there’s no other viable option for life.

There’s only one path to happiness: Forward motion.

You need the promise of what could be. You need a path to a better life. None of us is perfect.

It doesn’t matter if we ever reach our desired destination or not. What matters is that we keep improving.

The Purpose Of Life Is Not Happiness: It’s Usefulness

For the longest time, I believed that there’s only one purpose of life: And that is to be happy.

Right? Why else go through all the pain and hardship? It’s to achieve happiness in some way.

And I’m not the only person who believed that. In fact, if you look around you, most people are pursuing happiness in their lives.

That’s why we collectively buy shit we don’t need, go to bed with people we don’t love, and try to work hard to get approval of people we don’t like.

Why do we do these things? To be honest, I don’t care what the exact reason is. I’m not a scientist. All I know is that it has something to do with history, culture, media, economy, psychology, politics, the information era, and you name it. The list is endless.

We are who are. 

Let’s just accept that. Most people love to analyze why people are not happy or don’t live fulfilling lives. I don’t necessarily care about the why.

I care more about how we can change.

Just a few short years ago, I did everything to chase happiness.

• You buy something, and you think that makes you happy.
• You hook up with people, and think that makes you happy.
• You get a well-paying job you don’t like, and think that makes you happy.
• You go on holiday, and you think that makes you happy.

But at the end of the day, you’re lying in your bed (alone or next to your spouse), and you think: “What’s next in this endless pursuit of happiness?”

Well, I can tell you what’s next: You, chasing something random that you believe makes you happy.

It’s all a façade. A hoax. A story that’s been made up.

Did Aristotle lie to us when he said:

“Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.”

I think we have to look at that quote from a different angle. Because when you read it, you think that happiness is the main goal. And that’s kind of what the quote says as well.

But here’s the thing: How do you achieve happiness?

Happiness can’t be a goal in itself. Therefore, it’s not something that’s achievable.

I believe that happiness is merely a byproduct of usefulness.

When I talk about this concept with friends, family, and colleagues, I always find it difficult to put this into words. But I’ll give it a try here.

Most things we do in life are just activities and experiences.

• You go on holiday.
• You go to work.
• You go shopping.
• You have drinks.
• You have dinner.
• You buy a car.

Those things should make you happy, right? But they are not useful. You’re not creating anything. You’re just consuming or doing something. And that’s great.

Don’t get me wrong. I love to go on holiday, or go shopping sometimes. But to be honest, it’s not what gives meaning to life.

What really makes me happy is when I’m useful. When I create something that others can use. Or even when I create something I can use.

For the longest time I foud it difficult to explain the concept of usefulness and happiness. But when I recently ran into a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson, the dots connected.

Emerson says:

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

And I didn’t get that before I became more conscious of what I’m doing with my life. And that always sounds heavy and all. But it’s actually really simple.

It comes down to this: What are you DOING that’s making a difference?

Did you do useful things in your lifetime? You don’t have to change the world or anything. Just make it a little bit better than you were born.

If you don’t know how, here are some ideas.

• Help your boss with something that’s not your responsibility.
• Take your mother to a spa.
• Create a collage with pictures (not a digital one) for your spouse.
• Write an article about the stuff you learned in life.
• Help the pregnant lady who also has a 2-year old with her stroller.
• Call your friend and ask if you can help with something.
• Build a standing desk.
• Start a business and hire an employee and treat them well.

That’s just some stuff I like to do. You can make up your own useful activities.

You see? It’s not anything big. But when you do little useful things every day, it adds up to a life that is well lived. A life that mattered.

The last thing I want is to be on my deathbed and realize there’s zero evidence that I ever existed.

Recently I read Not Fade Away by Laurence Shames and Peter Barton. It’s about Peter Barton, the founder of Liberty Media, who shares his thoughts about dying from cancer.

It’s a very powerful book and it will definitely bring tears to your eyes. In the book, he writes about how he lived his life and how he found his calling. He also went to business school, and this is what he thought of his fellow MBA candidates:

“Bottom line: they were extremely bright people who would never really do anything, would never add much to society, would leave no legacy behind. I found this terribly sad, in the way that wasted potential is always sad.”

You can say that about all of us. And after he realised that in his thirties, he founded a company that turned him into a multi-millionaire.

Most people would say, “why would you work more?” And then they turn on Netflix and watch back to back episodes of Daredevil.

A different mindset.

Being useful is a mindset. And like with any mindset, it starts with a decision. One day I woke up and thought to myself: What am I doing for this world? The answer was nothing.

And that same day I started writing. For you it can be painting, creating a product, helping elderly, or anything you feel like doing.

Don’t take it too seriously. Don’t overthink it. Just DO something that’s useful. Anything .